The Birds, The Bees And The Mental Scarring
by Starcrossedlover12
Summary: Bulma decides it's time for Vegeta and Goku to have The Talk with Goten and Trunks. Unfortunately, it's soon evident that this is a topic the two Saiyans struggle with themselves. In fact, it turns out that their sons might actually know more than them... One-shot. Rated T for those who know even less about sex than Goku.


**Author's Note: Just an author's note to say that I'm accepting Beta reading requests now. I'm really interested in reading DBZ fan fiction so if you want me to then I'd be so happy!**

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**Love you all and thank you for the continued support,**

**Starcrossed xxx**

**xxx**

It was four o' clock in the afternoon and the sun was still high in the sky as Bulma cleared the empty drinks cans off of the picnic tables.

The Briefs had just held a BBQ for all of the Z Fighters at Capsule Corp and, now that Goku, Vegeta, Goten and Trunks had demolished the buffet, everyone was just relaxing.

"Mom?"

Bulma looked round at Trunks. "What is it, honey?"

"Goten and I wanna go play in the woods now. And Marron says she wants to come with us."

"That's fine, son. You should have a shower first though- you guys have been the pool all morning, I bet you stink of chlorine."

"Okay."

Trunks looked round at Goten and Marron who had followed him.

"We need to shower first." Trunks told them.

"If we all get in at once, it'll save time." Goten said.

"Okay!" Marron beamed.

"Er, wait!" Bulma said, panicked. "Marron, you should shower separately."

Marron frowned. "Why?"

"Yeah, why?" Goten asked, equally confused.

"W-well," Bulma was shocked. "I know you're all still children, but you're not toddlers anymore. Marron's a girl and she can't shower with two boys your age."

"I still don't get why!" Goten cried.

"Wait here a second," Bulma said, then walked down the path, into the pool area. She went up to the table that Goku and Vegeta were drinking at. "Hey!" She snapped.

"Hi, Bulma." Goku grinned.

"What do you want, woman?" Vegeta demanded.

"I want to know if either of you ever had The Talk with your sons."

The two men froze.

"Because they just asked what was so wrong about showering with Marron."

"What?" Krillin leapt to his feet. "With _my_ Marron?!"

"Goku, did you never tell Goten what the difference between men and women is?" Chi-chi demanded.

"Wh-what?" Goku laughed uneasily. "I never told Gohan either."

"Yes, and just look how ill-adjusted _he_ is!" Bulma snapped.

"I am right here, you know." Gohan muttered.

"I don't see what's so wrong about it," Vegeta said. "My father never explained anything to me either."

There was a moment of silence, then Goku got to his feet.

"Oh God, I better go tell him."

"_What's that supposed to mean, Kakkorot_?!"

"Vegeta- you go too." Bulma poked his shoulder. "I don't want Trunks turning out as naive as Gohan."

Vegeta sighed. "You have a point, woman."

"Still three meters away." Gohan reminded them.

xxx

Goku and Vegeta sat their sons down in the living room and Bulma and Chi-chi came along to observe and to make sure they didn't screw it up.

"What's this all about, dad?" Trunks wanted to know.

"Now listen here, son," Vegeta said firmly. "You know how a female is different from a male, don't you?"

"Yes!" Goten raised his hand. "They have longer hair- unless you turn Super Saiyan!"

"See the problem?" Bulma muttered.

"No, no!" Goku laughed. "Girls can't turn Super Saiyan!"

"You _don't_ see the problem, do you?!" Chi-chi snapped.

"Well, how _is_ a girl different from a boy?" Trunks asked.

Vegeta and Goku stared at him, then looked at each other.

"Why don't you take over, Vegeta?"

"What? Cat got your tongue, Kakkorot?"

"I really think you should go before me."

"This is the only time I will ever accept you being first, Kakkorot."

"Just do it!" Bulma spat.

"A…a cave!" Goku turned pink and everyone looked at him oddly. "A…a woman has a, um…cave and a man has a…a…bear, that um, likes to live in the cave…"

"_What?!_" Bulma cried. "What are they possibly supposed to divulge from that?!"

"I like bears!" Goten chimed in.

"No," Said Chi-chi quickly. "You like caves."

Goten made a face. "I don't like caves as much as bears."

"You're turning him gay." Bulma muttered.

"Listen, son!" Said Goku quickly. "When you grow up, you'll find a woman whose cave your bear…will really like."

"So," Trunks raised an eyebrow. "Your bear really likes Chi-chi's cave?"

Goku and Chi-chi's jaws dropped.

"And Vegeta's bear really likes Bulma's cave?" Goten, who thought he was beginning to understand, ventured.

Vegeta went crimson and Bulma stood up quickly. "Enough with the bear and cave analogy, alright?!"

"So, when you grow up you'll find a person like that?" Goten asked.

"Yes!" Goku nodded, feeling he was on safer ground now. "Your most favourite person in the world."

"But my favourite person is Trunks!" Goten grinned. "Can Trunks be my cave?"

There are no words for the expression on Vegeta and Goku's faces at that moment.

Bulma had to sit down.

"You're not teaching it right!" Chi-chi spat, panicked.

"Hey, Chi-chi, if that's what Goten and Trunks want-"

Vegeta bristled. "DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE AND STRANGLE YOU, KAKKOROT, BECAUSE I WILL!"

"Okay," Trunks held up his hand. "That's enough."

Everyone looked at him.

"I can teach Goten about sex."

"No, you can't!" Vegeta spat.

"He doesn't mean it like that," Bulma laughed, then: "Um, you don't, right son?"

"No, mom, I mean I already know everything there is to know."

Goku stared at him. "Really?! H-how?"

"When I went to Yamcha's house, I found his secret collection of grown-up magazines," Trunks explained. "I was there for hours trying to figure it all out, but I think I finally got it."

"_Yamcha_." Bulma groaned. "I can't believe it…well, actually I guess I can…"

"Oh?" Vegeta smirked. "Think you know more than we do, son?"

"Actually, yeah, I do." Trunks turned to Goten. "You see, Goten, sex is something grown-ups do because it feels really good. It's always good for the guy, for the girl- especially the first couple of times- not so much. There tons of different positions you can do. I only know fourteen, but there are tons more…"

"'Fourteen'?" Goku echoed incredulously. "I only know three …"

Chi-chi kicked him.

"Sometimes they like to use sex toys, but my parents don't do that anymore because they break really easily."

Chi-chi and Goku glanced sideways at Vegeta and Bulma.

Bulma pointed to Vegeta. "That was his fault."

"It was your fault too, woman." Vegeta hissed.

"I'm not the one who sometimes turns Super Saiyan in the middle of it!"

"I didn't wanna know that!" Goku wailed, covering his ears.

"Now, about the climax-"

"Shut UP, Trunks!"

"J-just go outside and train, son!" Vegeta had never felt so drained.

"Okay." Trunks gave his father one of his own smirks. "Fine by me."

"Will you teach me more, Trunks?" Goten tugged his sleeve.

"I'll let your parents get over the mental scarring first."

"I'll never be pure again!" Goku wailed.

"He gets that from your side." Vegeta muttered to Bulma.

Bulma looked over at Goku rocking to and fro and her red-faced husband.

"Maybe you're right." She murmured.

xxx

Krillin watched as the two couples returned from the living room, pale and shaky.

"Hey," He laughed. "You guys look like you've seen a ghost."

"Ha, ha…" Chi-chi attempted a weak laugh.

Goku was trembling. "I need to lie down…"

"Should've stayed in outer space." Vegeta mumbled.

"Don't let Marron anywhere near Trunks," Bulma said. "I love my son, but it's just not safe."

At that moment, Yamcha walked into the poolside room. "Hey guys!" He waved. "What's happening?"

**xxx**

**RIP Yamcha XD**


End file.
